The Reason I Don’t Love

Published by: Olivia

     The girls always look different on Thursdays, in their best clothes and all made-up.  Thursdays there is a strong scent of perfume in the air because they have visiting hours, and they have great energy and feel like venting or just sharing—mostly about their loves, their boyfriends who come (or sometimes don’t com) to visit them.  One Wednesday a young girl had told me that during the next day’s visit she was going to break up with her boyfriend.  I got to the center ready to console her, saw her hickey, and knew she didn’t do it.

     “I was gonna break up with him,” she said smiling, “but he didn’t let me.”  Later we talked about her relationship, how she had met her boyfriend.  “He stole a kiss, and I like an idiot let him,” she told me.  We discussed if it made sense to leave a “dog-faced” boy who treated her well for a hottie who probably didn’t care about her.  She decided, at last, that no.  There she is still with her “dog-face” who loves her, although according to her she doesn’t let herself love…

The Reason I Don’t Love

Gaby* 18 years

Have you ever been en love?

That stupid stuff isn’t my thing, too cheesy
I am afraid of falling in love
I don’t want to be cheated by anyone
Love is a flying fart
That gets in the way where it doesn’t have to
Love is really nosy

Girls in love are really dumb because any boy can eat their mind
Feeding them bull
Some guys do tell you the truth, for others it’s just a game
But mine?
He’s cried for me a bunch of times
He lets it show that he’s in love, this son-of-a-gun doesn’t want to leave me
I feel that he loves me but I
Mostly don’t…

Love is ordinary.
Sometimes we love dogs, because
Sometimes we as women can be masochistic
There we are stupid with him always
While they hit us, beat us, want to see us as less,
They think that what they can do we can’t do, because they are some
Big machos

That’s why I’m a player (not a ho because I’m afraid I’ll get an STD)
I don’t like to grab onto anyone seriously
I won’t allow myself to fall in love, or give my love to someone who can’t value it
At the same time, it’s bad to be a player
Your reputation as a woman goes to the floor and people talk bad about you
I feel bad going out with lots of guys because I don’t feel loved by any one person

I ask God to give me a man
Not the perfect man
But someone who is on the right path, who respects me, who values me
And who will give me the love that
No one has given me

Do you love yourself?

No.
I feel really small
Like I am ugly, like no one loves me
I feel like trash
I have always felt like this
I feel like I am living dead
And my heart…I don’t know

When I was 15 I started to really feel like trash
I was raped.  It was a jerk that I didn’t know
I feel like I am worth nothing, dirty
Men are total shits and for this reason I say
Love is ugly
Because I feel in my heart there is only hate, bitterness and rejection

I see couples and I say damn they love each other a ton these sons-of-a-gun
What I wouldn’t give to be with someone like that
God-willing, he will erase my wounds, because scars always stay
And I ask him to let me open my heart to take away all this darkness

*this young woman decided to take an artistic name

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