Category Archives: Desperation

What Else Could I Do?

Published by: Olivia

A recurring theme in conversations with the girls is revenge.  Many have experienced the loss of their loved ones, partners and friends, and have expressed their desire to let out all of the pain, suffering, and anger that they feel when confronted with violent death.  This young girl writes about her reaction to the turture and murder of her beloved aunt.

What else could I do?

Young girl, 17 years old

It feels awful knowing you can’t do anything.
Seeing my grandmother cry for her daughter
Seeing my mother, my cousins, when we buried her
I did her makeup for the wake
her blood was the same as my blood

That they sent him with a meal-ticket to prison while my aunt was 9 feet under the ground?  That wasn’t good enough for me.

I couldn’t resist the urge take revenge
I knew who had done it, so i did the same to him
It made me feel good.  Afterwards I felt more peace
I got it all out.  Neither him nor her alive.
At least he wouldn’t be laughing for having made a good kill

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Her Sadness

Published by: Olivia

This young woman wrote about  her grandmother´s pain for having a child locked up, her pain for not being able to hug her or give her advice or say “I love you.”   Like many other girls, she feels tremendous guilt for the suffering of her grandmother, and remorse because she failed the person who had given her “everything for nothing,” who taught her good from bad.  “I want to pay her back for all the time she had to come see me here.”

Her Sadness

 young woman, 18 years old

I have seen her sitting, crying in her stand, asking God to give me wisdom.  I have seen her telling people that despite what gossipers say I am her daughter.  I have seen her imagining me free with a new life, with new goals.  I have seen her remembering the past, when I came from school to be with her in the stand.  I have seen her looking at my pictures and saying she never imagined her daughter would end up in a place like this.  I have seen her looking at my dolls and remembering when I was little.  I have seen her trying to be strong when she sees my things in boxes, waiting for the day I touch them again.  I have seen her making the food that she used to make me, (sometimes I ate it all and didn’t leave her anything).  Now she eats alone.  I have seen her alone in the house, coming home only to eat and sleep.  And her sadness is my sadness.

 


Without Being Able To Say It

Published by: Olivia

Beginning to talk today with a young woman, she asked me: “Why do you fall in love with your best friend?”  She told me that when she had the opportunity to tell him on the outside, she didn’t do it, and now on the inside she only thinks of him and what could have been.  The following poem touches many of us who in some moment in our lives did not dare to say “I love you.”

Without Being Able To Say It

Youth, 19-years-old

Illusion

Of thinking about what cannot happen

Something exciting and disappointing

 

Constant scenes of a fantasy

Of being able to say (in happiness)

How much I could have loved him

 

I am daring.

He is sincere.

And in this heart an “I love you” doesn’t fit

 

This confinement is my exile

Of a love

That I guard in silence

 

Lost on the moon

Without any answer

Without what I lost, or never had

Without what I dreamed

Without that which will never become reality

 

This kills me inside

Always thought and never said

Always yearning

Always loved

Always locked up, and in the end forgotten…

 

 

 


You have never felt desperate

You have never felt desperate
Young woman, 20

You have never felt desperate
until you come to a place like this.
For a screw-up that was so insignificant
I lost many things.
My hands started to sweat.
I felt like when someone hits you
and you want to take it out by punching something,
but you know if you do
you’re going to lose more.
I turned red,
I felt my skin stand on end from my rage.
I felt the words that I wanted to say to her.
My mind was racing
like when a clock is broken
then you put in batteries
and it starts to run really fast.
You try to control yourself
but I just start crying
because of my powerlessness,
not being able to do anything,
knowing that I lost
what was right in front of me.

You’ve never felt desperate
until coming to a place like this.
I felt that everyone was staring at me,
I felt rejected.
I wanted to put up a wall
around my world.
Put it in a box
so no one could see or touch me.
In the box I would put my bitterness,
my pain and my love,
to not feel love for anyone.
I wish I were a rock
that didn’t have emotions.

You’ve never felt desperate
before coming to a place like this.
To vent I just cry.
I cry until no more tears come out.
I sleep all day,
I don’t even feel like eating.
Thinking of not making the same mistake again.